The Orangery.

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 11:07:02 GMT

I've read the occasional thing lately to do with mental health awareness and one thing is stuck in my mind - the way we're encouraged to think of mental health issues as comparable to physical health issues. Eg "you wouldn't tell a person with asthma to 'just think positively' so why would you to a depressed person?" and that kinda thing.

What really has stuck in my mind is that the mental health system treats mental health as though it's significantly different to physical health. Like, say, if i went to a specialist because of diabetes, they wouldn't intentionally withhold treatment in case i became "overly reliant" on it. Or if i was given a lotion for eczema and it didn't make the eczema go away, i wouldn't be accused of not using the lotion, or for not wanting the lotion to work, or not trying hard enough to avoid the eczema in the first place (without being told how this is possible). Or if i went into A&E having a heart attack, the doctor wouldn't make you wait 5 hours for a specialist and then tell you that heart attacks are perfectly normal when you're feeling a bit stressed. Or if i had a condition that claims the lives of a significant percentage of its sufferers and then was told that the potentially life-saving treatment isn't available in the county.
(Unfortunately these examples are all parallels things i have experienced - and looking at it this way around it is absurd).

Interestingly, last time i had contact with the mental health services, the nurse did compare mental health problems to a physical one, with "your mental health problems are like diabetes, you just have to learn to live with it. A person with diabetes doesn't stay seeing a diabetes specialist forever" (what is it with psychs assumption that i want to be under MH services forever anyway?! Because of course i don't because it's hideous and soul-destroying. I just want to have their help to get better and then i'll go off and live my life. Maybe this assumption is because i seem to have "BORDERLINE" stamped on my forehead...). Now, maybe i'm not in a place to judge considering i don't have diabetes, but it seems to me that mental health problems are significantly more complicated to cope with than diabetes, and with diabetes they do actually give some advice as to how to cope, whereas with mental health they, well, don't.

I still can't get the face of my jobcentre advisor out my head when i explained to her what the mental health system is like and that they won't have me. When i explained what qualifies you for help from the mental health services (aka, in my case that is "a crisis"), when i explained that the therapy that they think would help me (DBT) isn't available in the county, and how she was going "would it help if i phoned them?".

Maybe i could come to the conlusion that the mental health system is actually more mental than me??

Workfare = Fail.

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 18:38:18 GMT

I've been keeping an eye on the media furore regarding workfare for the past few weeks. It's something that may affect me sometime, being long-term unemployed and all. And wow - the stupidity of some of the things the politicians come out with baffles me!

1) The politicians saying that workfare helps someone get into work makes me suspicious. They've quoted a 50% success rate, which when you look further is actually the percentage of JSA claimants that stop claiming in the 6 months after finishing their work placement. The percentage of people who are off JSA in 6 months WITHOUT workfare is also 50%. AND coming off JSA doesn't mean someone has found fulfilling employment - they may have found a temp and/or part-time job (and the jobcentre have been known to insist that you take a job you're offered even if it's only 7 hours a week), they may be ill, they may have had a paperwork cock-up and lost their claim for a while, they may have chosen to face worse financial hardship than carry on with the humiliation of the JSA process, etc.
2) Potential employers are not exactly going to be impressed by a stint of workfare. If they have a choice of potential employees and one has a history of paid work, another has a history of voluntary work and another has a history of workfare, which would they choose? And it seems most of the workfare jobs are completely unskilled so you don't learn anything new.
3) The politicians suggesting that the unemployed are being "snobby" for not wanting to do the shit work offered in the placements is SO ABSURD. People are not objecting to doing the jobs, they're objecting to doing the jobs for no pay and with no choice in the matter! DUH.
4) The concept that workfare creates jobs is equally ridiculus. If a supermarket has 10 workfare employees, the workfare employees are doing work that would otherwise be being done by 10 employees, meaning the supermarket has 10 less jobs than it otherwise would. DUH.
5) There is no incentive for businesses involved in workfare to offer the workfare employees jobs after their stint. Why would a business do that when they could just get in another workfare employee to work for free?!?! And repeatedly we have heard testimonies to say that this is true - most people doing workfare haven't been offered interviews afterwards, and new workfare employees are drafted in.

The thing that bugs me the most about all of this is the issue that first gained it recognition (thanks to the brilliant Cait) - by people being told to do workfare or lose their benefits. Shockingly, the phrase "do ____ or lose your benefits" comes out a lot at jobcentres. And usually it's a lie, or half-truth. But people who are reliant on JSA are going to believe it - the rules around JSA are so complicated - and the terror of destitution is so strong that people will go ahead and do whatever they're told. And i find that sickening.

Thoughts in my head when i should really be getting some sleep

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 00:10:53 GMT

The Grass is Greener on the Other Side??
I had a housemate called Ella. She moved in about a month after i did, and then left last autumn to move to Manchester. And now she is back here and living in our house again. I'd always felt a little uncomfortable around Ella because i've always felt like she is kinda perfect, and i'm really not. She is someone who is very confident, communicates well, is very self-assured, is very career-minded and driven. She earns quite a bit so she drives a soft top and goes on beach holidays. She goes to the gym nearly every day after work and is very fit. And one time she was talking to one of our other housemates who was talking about how she'd quite like to train as a counsellor but was daunted by how in training you have to receive councelling yourself, and she was Ella were wondering if either of them had any ~issues~.
I find it weird that i feel inferior around Ella because i wouldn't want to be her, and i wouldn't want to have her life. But i guess her life is more how society expects a young successful woman to be, and therefore i have some kindof projected desire. I admit i am jealous of some things - i want to be physically fit, i want to live a life where the idea of having ~issues~ is an alien concept, i want to work full-time, i want to come across as confident and self-assured, and though i wouldn't want a soft top and beach holidays i would like more financial stability.
And, through all this where i've been thinking Ella's life is perfect and mine is not.... well, in the last few days my feelings have changed.
First it was when she heard i was moving to live with Simon and we were going to have our own little place. She looked kinda wistful, and said she was jealous that she didn't have someone she could settle down with and the possibility of making her own home. I was thrown - Ella, jealous of me?!?!! And then the next day i was cooking dinner when she got back from the gym (she goes every day) and i joked "so, still a gym addict then?!" and a look i couldn't identify passed across her face (think it was sadness) and she replied "yeah, pathetic isn't it? I should be coming home and relaxing after work". And i was just thrown again. I'd been caught up in the jealousy of how Ella could do a full day at work and then still have the energy to go to the gym (considering my energy levels have been so shit recently that i've been taking ridiculus measures to avoid walking up and down the stairs more than i need to) that it had not even occurred to me that maybe she was addicted to exercise, or exercise was filling some void in her life - namely, that she *does* have ~issues~.

So, that is obviously a sign for me that i do focus too much on the negatives in my own life and see things in a too black-and-white way.

North vs South
Since moving to Lincoln it's made me think a lot about England and its north/south divide. Before it was not something i'd ever really thought about. I'd heard about it, but maybe thought it was kinda historical - the North is where the factories and the poor people lived, and the South is where the richer people lived, but that had all changed now. It turns out the north/south divide is much more significant than i thought.
Lincoln is a weird one because it's not North or South, but Lincolnshire people perceive anything south of Birmingham as The South and being distinctly different to them, whilst not considering themselves to be Northern either. Geographically Lincolnshire is barely any further North that where my dad lives (which is considered South), and is nearly as north as Sheffield (which is generally considered North). It's strange. Maybe being north and south is all relative - like a person from Cornwall probably sees Bristol as The North!!
I have something of an identity crisis going on, and it relates to the north/south divide. Do i consider myself to be an adopted Lincolnite, and therefore a nearly-Northerner? Or am i Southern and always will be? Why does it even matter anyway? When i initially came here people could tell the second i spoke and sometimes from just looking at me that i was from The South (and Lincolnshire is weird - it's almost like it's so cut off from the rest of the country that they see others as 'invaders' or something, and a person of strong Lincolnshire heritage - like Simon whose family is one of the oldest in the county - is respected more). Since moving here i've adopted a new more-Northern accent and picked up some Lincolnshire lingo, and nowadays people ask if i was born here. And when i go back south Emmy is horrified by how i've "gone all Northern!" (she also struggled with Simon's accent for a while).
Mind you, i've always had a bit of an identity crisis in terms of where i'm from. For my whole life if someone asks me where i'm from i don't know what to answer - do you say where you were born, or do you choose one of the places you grew up in? I moved 3 times as a child and where i was born had no relation to where my family are from.
And in terms of me relating to being Northern or Southern, i don't know which identity i prefer. If i were to generalise about Northerners i'd say that they have two traits - 1) they're down-to-earth, 2) they're traditionalist. I like the down-to-earth bit - people are more straightforward and honest and live more fulfilled lives. But the traditionist bit - it jars with my liberal leanings and my love of the unconventional, exotic and new. Vegetarianism, caring about the rights of minorities, loving sushi, wanting to look in the Polish supermarkets, wearing an unusual outfit... they make you stand out here, and not neccessarily in a good way - "Southern fairy" i think is the term!
But maybe there is no answer - i'm not Northern or Southern, i am just me and should be comfortable with my elements of both. When i am South i crave the North, and when i am North i crave the South; it's an odd dichotomy.

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 00:34:35 GMT

Well, mmm, happy new year!

Have had quite a busy few days.

On wednesday Simon drove over here. We didn't do much because Simon was tired out from driving, other than buying food for me and Libby to make dinner (i made pennetone bread and butter pudding!).
On thursday we went to Gloucester to visit Charlie, who was my best friend when i was about 12-14, and friends with right into our late teens. We'd lost touch a bit in recent years because we both moved away, and she's had children, so it was lovely to see her again. Her kids are absolutely adorable! Noah is nearly 3 (actually, 3 weeks younger than FT), and William is 7 months old. Charlie also has a siamese cat who is awesome! Noah was really taken with Simon (as all toddlers are...) and had fun bringing absolutely ALL his toys to pile on Simon's lap, and William sat on our laps gurgling and finding things to chew on. Charlie is much the same as she's always been, apart from a slight bitchiness she developed in her teens has been grown out of, making her lovely. She's taken to motherhood like a duck to water, it really suits her. Sadly seeing Charlie dealing with motherhood in such an admirably capable way has made me realise quite how dysfunctional Best Friend is in dealing with FT - even though she tries incredibly hard to be a good mother, her own poor mental health really interferes with FT's wellbeing, yet BF can't see it.
On friday me, Emmy and Simon went to Birmingham to do some sales shopping. It was horribly busy! We had all-you-can-eat sushi for lunch which was AWESOME, and later on we found bubble tea!!!!!! Sales shopping was grim, but i did find a dress, and Emmy got everything she was looking for. Still got some more sales-shopping to endure because my winter boots have got a hole in them and i get a wet foot!
Then yesterday Simon and I went up to Coventry to see my Auntie Anne (my mums sister), where we drank copious amounts of tea and chatted.
And today i've been shattered, so have spent much of the day asleep, in preparation for the mental energy i'll need tomorrow being a human sat nav when we go home!

The past couple of days i've been thinking about my life in 2011 and what i would like to be different in 2012, and pondering resolutions. Things i think i'd like to be different about my life:
- i want to be more considerate in how i spend my time. Time is a precious thing and for me is passing incredibly fast. I want to try stop wasting my time on things that are pointless.
- i want to have a job, or more voluntary work.
- i want a proper home with Simon.
- i want to by physically and mentally healthier.
- i want to do more interesting, exciting and new things.
- i want to work on being more sociable, even if it's little things like keeping in contact with far-away people (by phone, letter, facebook, etc) more.

2012 seemed to be very uneventful for me. On the one hand this was good, because it meant nothing awful happened, but at the same time nothing amazing happened either.... life just kindof passed me by quietly.

Today i read a letter Auntie Anne sent to dad about the more dysfunctional aspects of our family. There's been an awful lot of feuds and bad feelings, going right back through the generations. It seems that every feud stemmed from stubborness and an inability for people to effectively communicate their thoughts and feelings with one another, leading to people simply not speaking to eachother for years on end. This is particularly interesting to me because two of my less useful traits are 1) stubborness, 2) a failure to communicate effectively with other people, especially about feelings! Clearly these are traits i've taken from my mum which have been passed down through generations of my family.
One thing that was particularly hard to read about was the feuding and fall-outs my mum was involved in. I'd never met Auntie Anne or any of her branch of the family until after mum died, and mum stopped talking to Grandma (and stopped taking us to see her) when i was 11. It was never completely clear to anyone why these fall-outs actually happened. I found out in the letter that Auntie Anne had sent me and Emmy cards and presents at every birthday and Christmas, but never knew if they arrived. And the only time she saw mum before mum needed her for her transplant was about 13 years ago when mum invited her to lunch.... but mum made Auntie Anne leave before Emmy and I came back from school. I just can't understand why my mum would do that; i can tell it really hurt Auntie Anne to not meet her own nieces.
I guess the fortunate thing for me is that i can look back at the mistakes my family have made and our more dysfunctional traits and then learn from them, especially with the background of mental health issues and years of therapy which has enabled me to see my own faults and those of my immediate family. And, although i missed out on having my family for many years, i have them now, and not taking them for granted makes them all the more precious.

a meme stolen from icanseenow...

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 22:44:56 GMT

Five events that have been good this year?
1. My trip to London in october.
2. Having artwork up in a gallery, dad and Libby coming up to see it, and them befriending Simon's parents.
3. When i found out about Favourite Toddler's improved prognosis.
4. Simon moving to Lincoln.
5. Winning the ESA appeal and me becoming financially independent from my dad again.

Five events have been bad this year?
1. Not getting the job at the hospital.
2. Being diagnosed with CFS/ME. It's also a good event, because it gives some possible answers, but i hoped answers=solutions+hope! Though, i do have a bit more hope than before i suppose.
3. BF being raped.
4. Losing my DLA and having to drop my pride and ask for money.
5. Can't really think of a last bad 'event', so i'll just say my continuing ill-health.

What have you learned this year?
I don't know really. I'd like to say something profound, like about the meaning of life or something.
I've learnt to cook quite well though...!
I guess i've also learnt the importance of connecting to other people. My automatic 'mode' in life is to isolate myself, but i'm learning that having people around you is one of the most rewarding things you can have.

Was the year that you expected it to be?
I suppose so. I was hoping that i'd have made more progress concerning improving my health and returning to a more 'normal' life, but not managing that hasn't surprised me particularly either - progress is so slow for me. But i haven't gone backwards - that's very good.

What clothes did you wear mostly?
In colder weather - jeans, boots, a top, a cardi and a scarf. In hotter weather - shorts or linen trousers with a top and sandals.

What's your most listened to music?
Probably all of City and Colour's albums. Plus Adele more recently. And earlier in the year it was probably Bloc Party.

What have you watched?
On TV... nothing in particular really. The constant moving between my house, Simon's house and Simon's parents means that i can't keep up with any series. I'll watch cookery programmes (Jamie Oliver is prob my favourite, and i half-watch Come Dine With Me constantly), health-and-diet-related things (aka, triggering shit, such as The Food Hospital), and any programme involving the emergency services. Actually, i typically half-watch TV whilst messing around on my laptop in the evening.
One series i have watched is My Transexual Summer. I felt it was really good.

What is the best book you've read?
Ooohh, probably One Good Turn by Kate Atkinson. Though Blueeyedboy by Joanne Harris was captivating. Both i would strongly recommend.

What is the most beautiful thing you got this year?
Erm, i don't know really. I feel like the answer to this is meant to be "a diamond necklace" or something! I suppose the thing that's most precious to me is having Simon with me almost all the time.

What did you do on your birthday in 2011?
On my actual birthday i didn't do all that much because Simon and BF were busy. I pottered around town a bit, and had coffee and cake in Waterstones, where MF and FT came to meet me from hospital with the good news about FT's prognosis. And that evening we went out to dinner at an Italian.
To celebrate my birthday properly we went to London for a lovely two days. We saw City & Colour, explored the Camden Markets, met up with jumpinggene, looked round some galleries, ate some delicious food, went to the London Dungeons, smoked a shisha pipe and drank bubble tea!

Did you do anything this year that you've never done before?
Awful as this is, i can't think of anything! I feel quite horrified...

What was your biggest success in 2011?
Not sure really. I suppose managing to keep myself at a stable level of health and functionality, as opposed to self-destructing in some way.

Best buy?
Erm, probably my sandals. £45 is a huge amount to spend on them, but they're so comfy and practical it was worth it.
And the money i spent on going to London too; i had an amazing time.

Favorite video of the year?
I don't know really. I don't watch videos much. Though this made me giggle; it's so clever.

Are you happy 2011 is over?
Yeah. Not that it was a particularly bad year or anything, but i kinda like a new year because of the illusion of a new start. I know realistically that new starts don't really happen overnight like that, but i like the idea that a new year might help bring a new slate and a new me.

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 20:44:36 GMT

I am rather shocked by how bad i was feeling last night. I realise i'm like a toddler - i get so upset and tearful and grumpy when i'm tired. Last night i was REALLY tired and made my mood ker-flump (this is a technical term!). Feel better today.

This morning we went to visit my grandma (mum's mum). And omfg i am SO ANGRY. Some absolute wanker-dickhead has been stealing from my grandma. She's 89 years old, in VERY poor health and not very mobile, so she has carers letting themselves in several times a day (as well as visits from OTs and stuff), and someone has been helping themselves to her stuff. At first it was little things like food, but now she can't find her expensive perfume or my (late) grandads medals. My grandma is now quite worried and upset about it, not because anything hugely significant has gone missing, but more that she can't trust anyone, and the carers are people she needs to rely on and be able to trust!
I just can not get my head around someone being cruel enough to steal from a frail elderly lady. It's just sick.
To add to this, she's also been getting a lot of people calling at her house claiming to be collecting for charity or be gasmen or whatever. Fortunately my grandma is savvy enough to not let anyone in, and always asks for ID... and usually these people don't have ID with them... very suspicious.
Other than this, grandma is doing pretty good. She had a break from The Evil Meals-on-wheels (social services cajole her into using them. Grandma hates it) for xmas day and cooked herself a partridge!

And then this afternoon we went to Ciren - the town where i lived from age 12 to 20. We had lunch at the pub, and then had a little walk round town to see what's different, and then went and visited some old friends.
I've not been there for 18 months, so that was weird. It's strange to go to somewhere which isn't your home, but it be so familiar and you recognise so many people. I don't think it was good for me to go back in a way - it reminded me too much of bad times. And when i was reminded of good times that made me feel sad too, because life's not as simple as those good times anymore!

We've left Emmy in Ciren staying at her friends. Hopefully when we see eachother again in two days time we will get on for our last few hours together. Every time she sees me her face sours; it's rather depressing.

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 18:00:54 GMT

Merry Christmas!!!!

Am having a nice day. We walked uphill to the Wetherspoons in the next town for xmas dinner which was pretty nice. And then walked all the way back down again, and didn't get back til a couple of hours ago. Before and after xmas lunch has been spent sitting around the living room by the fire opening gifts. I am feeling incredibly spoilt!

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 22:37:29 GMT

Am feeling a bit... weird?? Kinda lost. I think i'm homesick probably. And i miss Simon.

Got to dad's this lunchtime. Not really sure what to do with myself. Usually when i'm at home i've always got *something* to do, and if not there's always Simon there, and lots of places to go to. Here there's nothing i *need* to do, no-one here except dad who's working, and it's a village so nowhere really to go.

I feel a little deflated because i'd kinda got it into my mind that i'd be spending most of my time here hanging out with Em, but it seems she'll only be here for about 4 days of the 12 i'm here! Can't blame her - she's not in the UK long and she obviously wants to spend time with Tom and her friends too. Unfortunately unless i go to Italy, these 4 days are probably the only days i'll see her between now and July!!!
This probably seems a bit weird considering usually on LJ i'm moaning about her latest atrocious comments/behaviour towards me, but the rest of the time we're very close.

I have a tiny split on the tip of my thumb; i don't know if it's caused by my skin being dry or if it's a tiny papercut. But it's split further and further and appears to be infected. Yuck.

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 00:16:24 GMT

Have had the most incredibly busy day.
I'm off to dad's early tomorrow, and having been busy for three days (one day visiting SJ and Paul, one day having a little xmas party with Best Friend and Favourite Toddler, and yesterday at work), i'd unintentionally managed to save LOADS of things to do today - laundry, packing, cleaning the house (landlord is coming for an inspection on friday... eek), haircut, opticians, a doctors appointment, dyeing my hair, underwear shopping, covering up my bike, and going to the pharmacy. And then this evening dad arrived up here and we went out for dinner at Zizzi's (YUM!).

On sunday we gave Favourite Toddler his xmas presents. He's getting so many that his mum let him open his ones from me and Si early, so that he's not totally overwhelmed on xmas itself. It was awesome! His comprehension and language has developed to such an extent that he knows what's going on and can communicate with you. He knew what the presents were and how to unwrap them, and he even talked to us as he did! "A bus?! For me?! From Simee?! Oh, WOW!!! Thankoo Si-Si!!!". (Simee is one of his many names for Simon, along with Si-Si, Si, Si-man, man, and daddy....[?!]). I got him this car-garage, and Simon got him a little bus and a lorry. The adorable thing would be that FT would wander off and be distracted, and then see his presents and get all excited, "car wash! Bus! For ME!?!". Unfortunately he decided that all other presents going between me, Simon and BF were his too, so we had to hide them before he toddled off to unwrap them announcing "for ME!".

I am really impressed by my opticians. My glasses had become all bent out of shape after repeated accidents (being headbutted by a tantrumming FT, excited Trixie and Ethel jumping on my head, faints, being punched by Emmy, etc) over the past couple of years, so i went in to see if they could help. And with no charge or hassle (it didn't matter that my warranty had expired or anything) they tightened the screws, bent them back into shape, and gave me new more-flexible nose-rest-bits.

My shoulder still hasn't healed properly. I've been waking up in the night with it swollen and hot and painful, particularly when i roll over and sleep on it, so i went to the doctor. He looked horrified at the sight of it! Clearly when he'd stitched it it had all been neatly-together, but now it's massive after splitting when the stitches were out. And it's a keloid. I've had plenty of hypertrophic scars before, but never a keloid.
Still a mystery why i wake up with it hot and red and swollen though. All my doctor was bothered about was how unsightly it is; i don't care... i just want it to be comfortable.

Food = Minefield

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 12:30:39 GMT

Recently me and Simon have been watching The Food Hospital. I've been quite enjoying it, apart from the self-satisfied and slightly creepy doctors and dietitians/nutritionists (why are they always weird on TV...?!). It's nice to think that maybe if you have a health problem you have some control over it. However what REALLY bugs me is that they often have someone who has a health issue they intend to solve with food, but then they get distracted by some other health issue the person has, so if you're watching because you're interested in solving that particular condition, you're left disappointed. Like first there was the eczema sufferer, but they deemed his eczema to be due to his obesity, so they refocused their attention onto his weight. Same went for a guy with bloating - though they did vaguely mention you should avoid apples, bread, beans and cabbage (not useful...). AND the same for a woman with CFS/ME - she had a miraculous improvement in symptoms when she stopped skipping meals; not much use for us regularly-eating CFS/ME sufferers.

I am also totally confused by some things, like:
- wheat - good or bad for you?? The way some people talk you'd think that a bowl of pasta made you gain 100lbs in 10 seconds. And is fresh egg pasta better for you than normal pasta?
- dairy - good or bad for you?? The medical community say it's good. But in some ways eating dairy just doesn't make sense.
- sugar in fruits - does it raise your blood sugar?? Or does it raise blood sugar, but not as much as 'normal' sugar? I've seen reliable sources saying that fruit sugar does AND doesn't affect blood sugar levels, so i'm very confused. The NHS tends to tell diabetics are told to avoid grapes, fruit juice and ripe bananas because of the high sugar content.

I'm so confused by everything i end up feeling guilty for everything i eat.

Sometimes i wish i hadn't recovered so effectively from AN/BN. I worked really hard to change my thought processes - making "bad foods" seem acceptable, and making links in my mind between eating and energy, eating and health. However having gained weight these new thought processes are unhelpful. I have less energy now i've gained weight - unsurprising because 4/5 stone is like carrying two toddlers around with you all the time - but the low energy means i want to eat more to replenish it! And i probably do need to start viewing some foods (eg chocolate, cake, etc) as "bad" again so that i don't eat them as much. *Sigh*

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 23:17:12 GMT

I'm a little bit pissed off because i got home this evening to find a house-key in the lock on the front door... on the outside. I took it in and found the housemate who it belonged to... "oh, thanks, i thought i might have left it there"... well why didn't you bloody get it then?!
And there's another housemate who keeps leaving the back door unlocked.

Only last weekend our house had an intruder. No-one knows how he got in, but we think something might have caught in the front door so it didn't quite latch properly. It was late at night and the guy was drunk. He stumbled round our house trying to get into the bedrooms, and we think he got our house mixed up with someone elses because one of my housemates spoke to him as he left and he asked "do you know where Sol is?" Think i got the wrong house...".
Obviously we were really lucky that our intruder wasn't more sinister.

I get really upset about this kinda thing after my last house. We had people come into our house uninvited SO often, and it was so threatening. One morning i got up to find the TV had gone. And there was the gang of blokes who just came into our house and hung out as though it was theirs... typically with their stock of alcohol and drugs on hand. There's nothing quite like coming back from the shower in just your towel to find a huddle of random blokes snorting ~something~ off your coffee table who then turn your attention to telling you what they'd do if you didn't have the towel on *shudders*. Plus all the other stuff that was stolen (you know you've reached a lot point when you have to keep ALL your kitchen utensils locked in your bedroom). And the times blokes who let themselves in and attacked us. And when i spoke up and threatened to talk to the police and stuff about what was going on and the people involved called an ambulance and told them i was psychotic, and i was taken away against my will, screaming (fortunately the front door was still open when i got back from A&E.... when you're taken away under threat of section you don't really have time to collect your keys, your phone, your coat, or even your shoes... i came back in my slippers). Etc, etc.
Obviously the above examples are kinda extreme and i don't actually expect anything like that to happen living here in a 'normal' house, but of course i am now paranoid about our house being secure. I nearly had a panic attack when i saw the keys left in the door... it was that bad.

Am i over-reacting?? I feel like i need to speak up about this to the others, but i don't want to sound deranged!

<3

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:24:44 GMT

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:47:52 GMT

Hmm, well.

Today i went for my interview at HH. Am unsure if it went well or not. Two full days work is a big jump, and i'm scared in case i'm jumping in too deep. I explained my concerns, and next tuesday i'm going in for just an afternoon to try it out, and the manager will phone me on friday and see what i think. In the meantime i could phone Shelley (ME lady) and see what she thinks.
The cafe where i'd be working is really nice. It's a bit hippy/alternative with lots of stuff for special diets, everything is homemade, it's good value, there's second-hand books and stuff for sale, and local artwork for sale on the walls. Plus, anywhere that has 7+ flavoured coffee syrups is cool for me!

Last night we went to see My Week With Marilyn. It was good. Simon really loved it. I can't quite make up my mind about it, mainly because i find Marilyn Monroe (well, my idea of her) irritating - partly because she seemed so superficial, partly because everyone goes/went gooey over her beauty (*snore*), and partly because her mental-health-fail reminds me of all the things i hate about my own mental-health-fail. That probably sounds weird. Ah well.

I had a dream the other night in which my mum was actually dead. FINALLY after 5 1/2 years has my unconscious mind seems to have accepted my mums death, maybe?! Every dream i've had for the past 5 years has been set in the past (2004-2007 kinda time) - featuring my immediate family, college/school, my part-time job, the town i lived in... and the only nods to the present have been the occasional person from my life now transported into that setting, or the knowledge that i am 24 years old. Weird as anything. I'm sure there must be some psychological significance that my unconscious mind seems to be completely jammed at that point in time...?

Am currently filled with some weight-related angst. I've got to wear black on tuesday, so i tried on my smart black trousers. I'd bought these trousers a year or so ago thinking they were impossibly big and thinking i'd only need to wear them temporarily til i slimmed back into more reasonably-sized ones. Of course, now these 'fat trousers' are teeny on me, and if i do manage to do them up my ginormous gut spills over them in the most hideous way. Suppose i need to go shopping for new black trousers and top...eugh :(
On the plus side, i have maintained my weight for the past few weeks, even if that weight is actually horrific to me.

Cold no. 5 has cleared away and i'm slowly getting back to 'normal'. Instead i've now got a big IBS flare-up, and the cold has brought on a flare-up of eczema and the extra clothes i'm wearing has brought up lots of rashes from all the different fabrics. Add to that some new stretchmarks (i'm guessing with my skin being more dry it's more vulnerable to stretchmarks?), and my skin looks diseased. Bleugh.
I've been drinking more milk recently (in the form of hot chocolate) so i've replaced it with rice milk, with the theory that that's easier on your stomach. I'm surprised by how nice rice milk is!

I've finished all my xmas shopping, and actually have enough money left over to pay my rent tomorrow AND have enough leftover to eat and stuff for the rest of the week. Hurrah! Less than two weeks until i go to my dads for xmas, and it's two weeks today that Emmy arrives home from Italy. You can tell we haven't seen eachother or spoken to eachother much because we're looking forward to seeing eachother and EVERYTHING. Obvs this won't last once we're back in eachothers company, but it's nice while it lasts.

Late on a meme bandwagon...

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:35:02 GMT

When I was: 16.

I was dating: Well, i was about to snort derisively at this, because 16-year-old Josie was SO fucked up that dating was an almost-impossibility, but in actuality i gained a boyfriend about a week before my 17th birthday. A couple of weeks before i'd been at my best friends house after (6th form) college, eating chocolate fondue made over a candle in her den, and she borrowed my phone to prank-text one of her friends at her 6th form. Later on when i was home he texted back asking who it was and i texted back, and we started chatting by text. Fast-forward 2 weeks and he invited me to a house party which my best friend was going to too. It was my first house party, first alcohol (all those alcopops - bacardi breezers, hideous blue WKDs, smirfnoff ice....), and first drunken getting-together-with-a-guy. I was over the moon. I'd convinced myself that i was hideous and would never ever get a boyfriend (as that's what the pretty popular girls at school did.... not people like me). Unfortunately 2 weeks later he dumped me, and i was heartbroken. I came home in tears, my dad (who didn't know why i was upset, but i guess he may have guessed) made me a microwave pizza, and i wallowed in my room crying to Avril Lavigne and eating my bodyweight in chocolate.

I wanted to be: An artist, or a nurse. At the beginning of being 16 it was artist, as that has been my default for basically my entire life. But about a week after my 16th birthday i was admitted to the childrens ward with a chest infection, and a couple of the nurses there really inspired me. I had a tough time throughout my first night in hospital - i'd never been seriously ill before, and now i was being left in this massive hospital, miles away from home, being kept awake at night by screaming babies in the nursery down the hall - but a couple of the nurses made me feel a lot better about it all. About a year later i figured i was probably not cut out for nursing, after a spell of work experience made me realise how socially inept i really am, and to be a nurse your communication skills need to be spot-on, but it's been something that's been on my mind since then, even despite coming across a huge number of bad nurses - including in my next hospital admittance where nurses held me down with a paper bag over my face because i had 'panic attacks' in my notes, while i watched my fingers go blue with oxygen deprivation, and as i started to get that fading feeling one of them gave me the most hellishly vicious sternum rub to bring me back (ow ow ow OUCH, bitch).

I was living: At home with mum, dad (mostly. He worked abroad a lot) and Emmy. Well, i was for the first half of being 16, the second half minus mum most of the time as she was in hospital for almost 5 months straight having intensive chemo. When mum got ill it was almost like swapping one parent for another - we'd not really seen all that much of my dad throughout our childhood because he worked such long hours, but when mum got ill he stopped travelling and worked from home. It was especially bizarre for me because me and mum had been practically glued together for the past few months due to me being ill - i was so f*cked she often had to come to school with me (absolutely mortifying as a 16-year-old of course!), i was excluded from school twice, i wasn't allowed out places without her or someone else trusted (just in case i had epilepsy or something. I knew i didn't, so the lack of freedom mad me SO MAD), i was constantly at OP appointments (i went to six different hospitals that year alone...), and she even had to sit in on my GCSEs.

Oh gosh, how depressing! Being 16 was particularly mad. It was when i first got ill and my life turned upside down. And itt was when mum first got ill, and our whole family turned upside down. And on the plus side - I left school and went to college. And it was when i got my first job. Being that kindof age is full of so many 'first's.

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:38:44 GMT

Last night we went to see We Need To Talk About Kevin (it is in our cinema AT LAST!). It was good. I feel that it's a very good adaptation of the book, but it probably works better as a book than a film because the big twist at the end of the story is predictable in the film, and emotions can't be conveyed as well in a film as well as a book (and really, it's the main characters ruminations over events that make up the whole story). I thought the actress of Eva (the main character) was a brilliant choice. I'd also say that it dragged a little bit, and the main action could have been shown more, to show the full horror of what happened.

And when i got back from the cinema i finished a book!!! I find i still need to attach exclamation marks to this fact - i've read 15 books in the past 8 months (which compared to xanantha's 17 books in just this month is a bit paltry! But then i don't know how someone so busy reads that much!!) - but i'm still so delighted with being able to read again that i can't get over the excitement. When i first got ill at age 18 (depression and ME/CFS) i stopped being able to read; quite literally the words swam in front of my eyes, and by the time i'd got from the beginning of a sentence to the end i'd forgotten the beginning, and nothing ever made any sense, like my mind was clagged with cotton wool. It was really frightening, and depressing too since i'd always been a voracious reader. And obviously not good during my A Levels - my grades dropped from B's to F's within a few weeks. I went for nearly two years not really reading, apart from some blogs (well, i lived on LJ when i was near bed-bound) and magazines, but i ended up skipping any paragraph that was too big and daunting. And then i was able to read again for a bit when i was 20 when i was at art college, but then i relapsed big-time in every way and couldn't read any more. And it's only in the past year or so that i've started to get better again.
Anyway, i read Started Early, Took my Dog by Kate Atkinson. Atkinson is now my favourite author! It was really good. Maybe not quite as good as One Good Turn because it wasn't quite so complex and unpredictable. But still highly recommended. All of Atkinson's books are on my wishlist now!

Quite excited for the next couple of days. Me and Si have got a voucher and scraped some money together so we're going out for dinner! Pizza Express; the restaurant here in Lincoln is special to us because we went there for a really long meal when i first moved back to Lincoln two years ago, and we stayed there to avoid going back to ~~the shithole~~ where i was living, and we'd not seen eachother for quite a while because i'd been staying at dads. And this evening we're going to Lincoln's Christmas Market! Our xmas market was the first German-style market in the UK, and it's one of the biggest still. And then tomorrow night we're going to Simon's parents for the weekend - they've been away visiting family in the USA for the past two weeks, so we've not seen them or Trixie for ages!

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 12:44:54 GMT

This morning i was at the CAB at stupid o clock so an advisor could do my work capability assessment.
Needless to say, it was a special type of hideous.
The advisors tactic was to look through the areas where you score points (you need 15 points or more to be deemed broken enough to get ESA) and decide which i fitted and write about those areas the most. Obviously we pretty much drew blank because tiredness, hypersomnia, pain, poor concentration, etc etc apparently don't inhibit your ability to work full-time at all *headdesk*.
I'll almost definitely be going to a medical assessment. I'd rather eat my own faeces than go to another one of those*.

The form is done now though. Thank goodness.
I went and comfort-bought myself some bedsocks to make me feel better. My temperature control seems to be getting even worse, to the extent that i've more-or-less given up on using the radiator in my room - it's easier to warm myself up if i'm cold than cool down if i'm hot, so i'm looking into getting some 'warming-up stuff' - socks, gloves, hot water bottles, blankets, etc. I've then also got 'cooling-down stuff' - a fan, water-spritzers, etc. Wish my body would do the job itself though..

I also got the local newspaper. That made me feel more depressed! It all seemed to be about funding cuts. The one that bothered me the most was Mind - the day centres and stuff have lost ALL their funding and have closed. It's things like that that really scare me - all the little safety nets i've had available for if stuff gets Really Bad seem to be disappearing.
And then there was some mental health awards - and the overall winner was my former CPN. The phrases "genuine desire to help", "the best CPN ever", and "her support helps me live a more normal life" came up. I feel a bit confused and non-plussed. This was the woman whose appointments i always went away from in tears, who alternated between accusing my dad of being a bad parent and "just the average man who doesn't do emotions", who kept saying she didn't know how to help me, and whose only advice seemed to be "go for a walk when you're tired". If she was such a good CPN then what went wrong with me and her?! The only conclusion i seem to have is that there was 'something wrong' with me. Like, did she really dislike me or something? Idk.

I'm feeling really upset about everything. I wish i never had to think about my health or benefits EVER AGAIN. As it is, it seems to be ALL i think about, the anxiety and confusion of it all cycling round my head.
I really hate my life. I wish i knew how to change it, but i feel so trapped.

*K, slight exaggeration. Only "slight" though..

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:55:24 GMT

Feeling a bit better.

Mainly thanks to....

.... Favourite Toddler. You can't really stay miserable when you're with an excitable two-year-old.
It's only been 2 weeks since i last saw him, but he's learnt LOADS of new words. "Teacup" is my personal favourite. There's also please and thankyou ("pwease" and "thankooo"), which are quite useful! And after a phase of simply calling Simon "Man", he's now moved onto "Si" or "Si Si" and sometimes "Si-marr" which is cool.

The weather was clearer today - it's been so foggy and dark for days, but today it's been lighter with the occasional little glimmer of sunshine.
We went out and i've been sorting out Simon's xmas shopping. I quite enjoy xmas shopping apart from the stress of it - and obvs it not being my xmas shopping meant there wasn't the stress element to it! And i've done the wrapping too - i like wrapping presents.

I've just made a lasagne. Lasagne is my speciality.

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 10:01:15 GMT

We saw The Help last night. It was pretty good; inspiring.
I really REALLY want to see We Need To Talk About Kevin. It's not been on here, or at Newark, Boston or Peterborough. I'm really disappointed. It's been nearly a month since it was released, so i'm not holding out much hope :(

My shoulder has finally healed enough for me to go out on my bike again! I've not gone far because my energy levels are crap. Only to town to do my xmas shopping, which all fitted easily into my beautiful new panniers! All my xmas shopping is now done, apart from Simon's parents, SJ & Paul, and Simon. Simon's parents are hard to get presents for because they have expensive taste! Usually i do them a painting, but their bungalow is FULL of them now. SJ & Paul would like some artwork for their new house, but i am stuck for ideas; they want something to go on a wall which is a particular shade of green (v difficult), and i don't know their taste!

Seem to be coming down with a cold. Again. The fourth in two months.
I miss the days when a cold literally meant you felt a bit rotten for a few days, and maybe if it was truly horrendously awful you might have one day off school. Combine a cold with CFS/ME though and it means feeling really ill, it's a bad idea to go out by yourself because you're likely to faint, you're going to miss big lumps of time because you'll be asleep All The Damn Time, and you need to look at your diary and reschedule things because your ability to do 'high energy activities' (eg, a shift at work, grocery shopping, cooking a proper meal, Rainbows, housework) is massively reduced - you can probably only do one a day (if any at all), so you have to prioritise.
With all the pacing stuff i've learnt to keep my energy levels on a fairly even keel myself. So when something uncontrollable like a cold comes along it throws you because you're not in control anymore. Stress and depressed moods are also major triggers, but even they're more avoidable than a cold!!

In 3 months i've had 5 colds, the boils-from-hell, a stomach bug, and been on two lots of anti-biotics (which brought on thrush). Have got to conclude my immune system isn't too happy. Normally i'd think anaemia, but i don't look anaemic - i can usually tell because my lips go really pale. Maybe i should go get checked anyway.

Angsty woe and stuff....

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 11:29:58 GMT

I'd just turned 16 when i first got ill. That's 8 years ago now. So i've spent a whole third of my life sick. I've had my okay-ish times in those 8 years, but it means i've spent 8 years going to the doctors and the hospital at least once a month, usually more. I find that horrifying.
I wonder what 16-year-old Josie would have done or thought if she knew what was to come. Maybe i wouldn't have been such a brat. Maybe i would have put some effort into sorting myself out before it was too late and i spiralled further. Maybe i would have appreciated my mum for putting 110% into looking after me, rather than resenting her.
Obviously all these what-ifs are futile. What's happened has happened and you can only learn if you make mistakes. Probably if 24-year-old Josie had gone back in time to tell teenage Josie what's what, teenage Josie would have told me to fuck off too. Irrational as it seems, i've often felt like me getting depressed and then still being ill now was some kindof karma for being a shit person, especially around that time 8 years ago.
I guess what upsets me the most is that the person most hurt by me being a brat back then was my mum, but i never got to say sorry, because when she died i was still a teenage brat, still wrapped up in my own inane problems (much as i still am, and am demonstrating right now), and i hadn't yet learnt my lessons.

I've filled out my application to the Healthy Hub. I spoke to a woman there and it looks like they take on anyone who has some kindof barrier to work, not just disabled people. She mentioned in her examples of people they help "someone who's returning to work after a long illness", which sounds like me. They've got a 2 month waiting list.
In the meantime i've been looking at the jobs going, plus writing a CV. I feel totally demoralised. Obviously there are hardly any jobs, and if it's something i have a remote chance of doing i haven't got the experience and whatever. Writing a CV is hideous - i just don't know how i will explain the gaps - unless i get a bit creative with it - "freelance artist" or something.

It's times like this that i feel like punching myself in the face. Like, why do i always have to look at the negatives of things?! Like with the whole job thing - i can thank my lucky stars that i do have things to put on my CV, only not as many as other people, and that i am well enough to even be thinking about part-time work. I'm well enough to do all SORTS of things that other people can only dream of, yet all i seem to focus on is the "can't do's".
Feel like i need a brain transplant.

Partway to writing this i went off and made soup. It's bubbling on the hob now. I find soup-making kinda therapeutic. There's no rushing with soups, in fact, the slower you do it the better it is.
It's a somwhat thai-style (thai-style in that i've used coconut milk, a bit of chilli, some ginger and some leftover Lloyd Grossman red thai curry sauce - THE best red thai sauce evar) butternut squash (i found a massive one in Asda), sweet potato and sweetcorn soup.

My shoulder-hole has healed again. Avoided A&E for the weekend by the use of steri-strips. Steri-strips are amazing.

Sat, 05 Nov 2011 12:32:49 GMT

Ick. The new skin on my shoulder ripped open in the night. Simon's mum reckons we should go to A&E for them to put me back together again, but Simon and I have done a DIY job involving surgical tape, with the deal that if it's still open tomorrow i've got to go have it stuck together properly. I can't be bothered with A&E unless it's absolutely completely 100% neccessary.
I was hoping that with the stitches out and the cold-of-doom gone (just the hypersomnia left now) i could get out on my bike and lift things and be normal again... :(

We're going shopping for our

later today. A couple of years of being around Favourite Toddler means me and Simon are going to be the advisory on buggies - Simon knows which ones are best for fitting in the boot of a car, and i know which are best for pushing around (where you're liable to knock things off shelves in shops, struggle onto kerbs, etc if you have a crap buggy).
SJ is now halfway through the pregnancy! The baby is due within days of Simon's 28th birthday. Can't describe how excited i am! I'm trying to resist the urge to go buy loads of baby books for him/her ~~to chew~~.

Fri, 04 Nov 2011 10:53:57 GMT

What a mess! That's gonna scar big-time. At least the main mark is dipped inwards, so it won't stick out like the big hypertrophic scars i have on my arms. Unsure yet whether where the stitches were will scar too, but if they do it will be an interesting-shaped scar at least!!! And i prefer a scar to a cyst anyway.
Having left the wound for a whole ten days the scabs were big. I can't resist picking scabs. Fortunately they were ready to come off.

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 22:51:22 GMT

Today i got a phonecall from Best Friend. She was at hospital today for Favourite Toddler's heart appointment so i answered feeling worried that she'd be in tears with bad news. But no, there was good news!!!
The doctors were thinking that FT might need more open heart surgery sometime before Christmas (which is very scary because it's so risky), but he's doing so well that they think he won't need surgery for 18 months!!! And they've changed his prognosis - he's still terminal, but they think there's a good chance he could live to adulthood, even possibly into his 50s!!! OMG!! Obviously this is just a chance - this is his prognosis regarding heart failure - he could still be taken by an infection or have a heart attack, and he'll spend his life ill and probably in a wheelchair. Still incredible though! His body has adapted itself to being all wired wrong and has balanced itself out, creating its own unique circulatory system, and he lives with his blood oxygen saturation of 80%. His bodies adaptations means he keeps surpassing doctors expectations - first they thought BF would miscarry (they advised her to have a late-term abortion because FTs chances were so small), then they thought he might live only seconds when he was born, then they gave him days, then months, and now YEARS! He's a little miracle.

So yeah, that news is the BEST birthday present i could get!
Today is also two years since i first met BF. She moved into my house on my 22nd birthday. 3rd november is now a happy day for 3 reasons :)

I've had a nice day. I spent the day pottering around town. Got myself some new shorts (can't believe i'm a size 20 in Primark. That's just absurd. I bought an 18 just on the basis that i refuse to wear a 20!). I went to Costa in Waterstones (one of my favourites) for tea and cake! They've got the xmas stuff in so i ended up with a chocolate cherry slice, a pot of tea AND a black forest hot chocolate! Best Friend came to meet me with a very grumpy Favourite Toddler (hospital appointments aren't exactly his favourite pasttime) and we celebrated the good news with some Thortons chocolate bars - FT had a tiny bar with a car on; it made him slightly less grumpy.
This evening we went out for dinner at an Italian. I had mozarella-filled risotto balls, pesto and roast veg gnocchi and we shared warm chocolate brownie. Nom.

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 09:47:17 GMT

I'm 24.
Happy birthday to me.

Last night we saw In Time. It was really good! The concept of it is fascinating. It's set in a world where people live for 25 years, and then after that time has to be acquired in the same way as we acquire money - work, inheritance, gifts, theft, gambling, etc. And instead of money they have time - for example it costs 4 minutes of their life to buy a coffee. I want to carry on describing it because it's such a fascinating concept but i would ruin the story!!! It was really thought-provoking and good.

I've finished a book! One Good Turn by Kate Atkinson. It's one of the best books i've read in ages! The plot is weaved together so masterfully, the characters are fascinating, there's so many layers to the story, and nearing the end you just can't stop reading. I've now added all Kate Atkinson books to my wishlist!

Am unsure about how to spend my birthday. Simon's at numeracy and Best Friend is off to Leicester for Favourite Toddler to see his heart specialists (they're talking about more surgery before xmas...). Might go shopping. Or sit in a cafe consuming copious quantities of tea and cake whilst reading... Sounds good!

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 14:02:55 GMT

Things/people that are annoying:
- the woman on the til in Morrisons last night who served me. My shopping came to £13.31 so i gave her a £20 note (i had no change). She then gets arsey with me because she has no £5 or £2 in her til, and only 3 £1 coins. Like REALLY rude, simply on the basis that i didn't have the exact money. Surely her til not having the right money is HER problem, not mine?! Especially considering it's a supermarket so it's perfectly capable of keeping up with change. AND it's not my fault that most cash machines don't dispense £5 notes (including the ones outside Morrisons i used)! Maybe she'd have reason to be miffed if i bought something for a few pence, or i'd given her a £50 note or something, but i wasn't being unreasonable.
- people at work keep putting drinks cups containing liquid into the bin. In fact today i saw a man POUR TEA into the little bin on the counter to make room for more milk. Seriously?! It's not that hard to ask me to pour it away into the sink. And some unfortunate person (aka me) who empties the bins gets covered in tea/coffee.
- a woman at work had just come from the gym and was complaining that a woman "brought her retarded kids with her!" to the gym. Eugh. I might let her off on the use of the word "retarded" on the basis that she's in her 70s and old people round here have no idea what the PC terms are for various things, but her objection and the way she said it got my back up.
- it's beautiful weather (i love this time of year when it's sunny) and i want to be outside, preferably on my bike. Unfortunately my body has decided it wants to sleep now, and cycling will rip my stitches.
- Halloween. Well, more specifically the way that Britain seems to want to be a mini-USA in every way, including with regards to Halloween. I find trick-or-treating rather objectionable - turning up on neighbours doorsteps and demanding sweets else you punish them?! In no other situation would that be acceptable. I guess it's maybe alright if it's little children supervised by their parents and there's no tricks involved, but when it comes to "tricks" or older kids (and teens) doing it... doesn't seem right. In the 80s my mum was home alone the first time she was trick-or-treated - she had no idea what the teenagers at her door were on about, and they threw eggs at her.
And it seemed like the entire student population of the city was out getting drunk last night to celebrate. The sirens and noise was as bad as a saturday night. At 2am i was woken up by some blokes who decided it was a good idea to beat eachother up outside my window, and then lie in the street sobbing, vomiting, and telling eachother they loved eachother. I ended up having to stay up to keep an eye on them for if i had to call the police or an ambulance. Not cool, especially when you want to be up early the next day for work!

*Rant over.*

So yeah, i did actually make it to work today! Hurrah! I was a caffeinated zombie, but at least i was there.

The hole in my shoulder has healed a bit - it's no longer a hole!!! About time considering the stitches are due out in 2 days (though i've put it off til friday - not having stitches out on my birthday, plus i know how slow my body heals things). Now i'll have to resist the urge to pick at the scab bits.

You might think by reading all of the above that i must be in a foul mood but i'm actually not. Kinda weird.

Maybe if i go to sleep now i might wake up before the sun has set??? I hope so.

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 23:40:39 GMT

We've just seen Contagion. I think it's very good. It's simply about an epidemic of a lethal virus, and follows a range of characters exploring different aspects of what might happen if there were an epidemic - including things you might not think of, like people being held ransom to try gain vaccines, conspiracy theorists, the decisions regarding how to decide who gets vaccines first, etc. It reminded me of The Day After Tomorrow (which is one of my favourite films).

I'm starting to get used to the hole in my shoulder. Unfortunately i've realised that i can't work (work involves quite a bit of lifting and reaching) or ride my bike until it's healed a bit, so i feel a bit lost! I could probably do with the rest mind, to help recover from the cold and the trip last week, but i like to have stuff to do..