I'm 'home', aka in Ciren with dad and Emmy.
Emmy has changed a bit. She seems less self-centred (well, a little bit!), more energetic (she's so damn busy! At the moment her main thing is getting work at all the nearest festivals), and just... different. As she's sortof a child i guess i'm seeing her grow up a chunk each time i see her every few weeks/months; dad says it's like how it was when i was tiny - each time he came home after being away for a few days i'd look and seem different.
Tomorrow i'm having dental surgery. Two wisdom teeth, big chunks of gum and scar tissue (thanks bulimia), all coming out, under general anaesthetic. Can't say i'm looking forward to it lol.
I had my hair cut today. It's the second hairdressers i've ever been to. Before i was 5 i think my mum cut my hair. Then from 5-9 when i lived in Dorset it was a combination of my mum and a visit-at-home hairdresser. And from age 9 until today i've always gone to the same hairdressers, always with my mum or dad.
As a result of this i am SO ignorant about hair. Until recently i didn't know what "perm", "wax", and a whole load of terms you probably take for granted meant. Today i got a bob without reallllllllly knowing what a bob is. It looks good though so that's okay!
Following on from this where i wondered if i still had depression, i'm now wondering if i have an ED or anxiety disorder. I have pretty debilitating food and weight issues, but i wouldn't call them a full-blown eating disorder at the moment, i'm not really engaging in any eating disorder 'methods'. As for anxiety disorder i'm not having panic attacks, not particularly debilitated - mainly because i'm not exposing myself to much that would challenge me. Part of this is practice and exposure - things like travelling across the country by trains would have made me so terribly anxious once, but today (though i found it stressful) i was okay. And lastly, i'm not self-harming.
Maybe i'm "in remission" from mental illness. They're all there, but sat in the background, ready to bubble up as soon as my guard is down or i stretch too far.
On the train today just as i was coming into Glos i finished the book i was reading - The Best Day of my Life. I'm very proud because i've been working on it for ages and ages, months actually. It wasn't a really good book but it did make me think. Some peoples best day of their life (it's a compilation of descriptions written by celebrities of the best day of their lives) were so mundane which contrasted with incredible achievements - eg picking potatoes in an allotment vs reaching the summit of Mount Everest. I've realised happiness isn't about huge conventional achievements. Some peoples achievements can seem pretty small - some of the things i've achieved that i'm really proud of aren't really that special; eg yesterday i asked a stranger a question - that's a big thing for me. Going to university, getting high qualifications, climbing a 'career ladder', earning lots of money - i'm not sure they fulfil you, even though it's drilled into you that that is what you're 'meant' to do (well, 16 years in full-time education tells you that anyway).
One guy in the book, an MP, wrote that having an ordinary life is a failure of attitude as opposed to a failure of life. I strongly disagree. Who's he to judge a person like that?! There is nothing wrong with having an ordinary life, it's not a failure of life OR attitude. Some people don't lead ordinary lives and achieve immense things, but it's not a good thing - think of Hitler! Some people experience such horrific disadvantages in life that leading an 'ordinary life' is bliss and a fantastic achievement on their part.
Yesterday Simon and I climbed the hill, stopping at almost every bench (thanks to my exhaustion). We walked around the cathedral. On the east side there's a tiny little building, almost a hut, built in the same materials as the cathedral. I'd always wondered what was in it. We saw a maintenance guy open its little door and do something inside - there was a big rumbling noise and the ground beneath our feet shook. I went over and asked what was in the hut. It turns out it's a giant pump that brings underground water up pipes on the outside of the cathedral into the roof for if there's a fire.
We walked round the south side and we saw some rare birds that are living in the roof - peregrine falcons.
Then we went to the castle. We walked around the top of the walls overlooking the city in all directions. We climbed the observation tower (it was added in the victorian times for astrology and to look out for escaped prisoners, and during world war II it was used for watching for fires) which was amazing. We saw the Roman well. And the best-preserved remaining Magna Carta. And we went in the prison and looked in the cells, and saw where prisoners used to be hung.
It was fascinating. I love how Lincoln is absolutely steeped in history.

Emmy has changed a bit. She seems less self-centred (well, a little bit!), more energetic (she's so damn busy! At the moment her main thing is getting work at all the nearest festivals), and just... different. As she's sortof a child i guess i'm seeing her grow up a chunk each time i see her every few weeks/months; dad says it's like how it was when i was tiny - each time he came home after being away for a few days i'd look and seem different.
Tomorrow i'm having dental surgery. Two wisdom teeth, big chunks of gum and scar tissue (thanks bulimia), all coming out, under general anaesthetic. Can't say i'm looking forward to it lol.
I had my hair cut today. It's the second hairdressers i've ever been to. Before i was 5 i think my mum cut my hair. Then from 5-9 when i lived in Dorset it was a combination of my mum and a visit-at-home hairdresser. And from age 9 until today i've always gone to the same hairdressers, always with my mum or dad.
As a result of this i am SO ignorant about hair. Until recently i didn't know what "perm", "wax", and a whole load of terms you probably take for granted meant. Today i got a bob without reallllllllly knowing what a bob is. It looks good though so that's okay!
Following on from this where i wondered if i still had depression, i'm now wondering if i have an ED or anxiety disorder. I have pretty debilitating food and weight issues, but i wouldn't call them a full-blown eating disorder at the moment, i'm not really engaging in any eating disorder 'methods'. As for anxiety disorder i'm not having panic attacks, not particularly debilitated - mainly because i'm not exposing myself to much that would challenge me. Part of this is practice and exposure - things like travelling across the country by trains would have made me so terribly anxious once, but today (though i found it stressful) i was okay. And lastly, i'm not self-harming.
Maybe i'm "in remission" from mental illness. They're all there, but sat in the background, ready to bubble up as soon as my guard is down or i stretch too far.
On the train today just as i was coming into Glos i finished the book i was reading - The Best Day of my Life. I'm very proud because i've been working on it for ages and ages, months actually. It wasn't a really good book but it did make me think. Some peoples best day of their life (it's a compilation of descriptions written by celebrities of the best day of their lives) were so mundane which contrasted with incredible achievements - eg picking potatoes in an allotment vs reaching the summit of Mount Everest. I've realised happiness isn't about huge conventional achievements. Some peoples achievements can seem pretty small - some of the things i've achieved that i'm really proud of aren't really that special; eg yesterday i asked a stranger a question - that's a big thing for me. Going to university, getting high qualifications, climbing a 'career ladder', earning lots of money - i'm not sure they fulfil you, even though it's drilled into you that that is what you're 'meant' to do (well, 16 years in full-time education tells you that anyway).
One guy in the book, an MP, wrote that having an ordinary life is a failure of attitude as opposed to a failure of life. I strongly disagree. Who's he to judge a person like that?! There is nothing wrong with having an ordinary life, it's not a failure of life OR attitude. Some people don't lead ordinary lives and achieve immense things, but it's not a good thing - think of Hitler! Some people experience such horrific disadvantages in life that leading an 'ordinary life' is bliss and a fantastic achievement on their part.
Yesterday Simon and I climbed the hill, stopping at almost every bench (thanks to my exhaustion). We walked around the cathedral. On the east side there's a tiny little building, almost a hut, built in the same materials as the cathedral. I'd always wondered what was in it. We saw a maintenance guy open its little door and do something inside - there was a big rumbling noise and the ground beneath our feet shook. I went over and asked what was in the hut. It turns out it's a giant pump that brings underground water up pipes on the outside of the cathedral into the roof for if there's a fire.
We walked round the south side and we saw some rare birds that are living in the roof - peregrine falcons.
Then we went to the castle. We walked around the top of the walls overlooking the city in all directions. We climbed the observation tower (it was added in the victorian times for astrology and to look out for escaped prisoners, and during world war II it was used for watching for fires) which was amazing. We saw the Roman well. And the best-preserved remaining Magna Carta. And we went in the prison and looked in the cells, and saw where prisoners used to be hung.
It was fascinating. I love how Lincoln is absolutely steeped in history.

Current Mood:
busy
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